I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
