I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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