the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
