I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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