wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
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