Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I smell like Dick and happiness
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
