Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
