I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
