yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Randomize
