nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
