Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
