I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
