The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
