Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Randomize
