woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
