I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Also, beer. Big fan.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
