Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
