You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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