I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
