The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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