I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
