I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
