a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
