That's when you crack a 10am beer
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
