I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
