he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
She told me I should be a condom model.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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