some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
