Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
