I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
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I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
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Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
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