your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
