she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
