Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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