woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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