she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Randomize
