I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
