whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Randomize
