I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Randomize
