Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Panties = found
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