What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
So here I am, sexting at work.
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