I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
