How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize
