mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
