You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
