Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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