Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
