dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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