U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize
