You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
