We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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