the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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