Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
This baby is an asshole
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Randomize
