i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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