and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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