It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
she looked like the before picture.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
