did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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