I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
false alarm, still single
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